To start, allow me to use the metaphor “war”. My enemy is my thought. It’s so painful to be misunderstood and then toiling hard in the hope that things will be fine, believe me, they do not. They never will. The same old one liner – “God helps those who help themselves” strikes again and bangs right into my face. At times, you feel so energetic that you feel you can move anything that comes in front, but pity, not your own heart. Feelings and thoughts that have hung for long, these rascals just won’t quit. You try hating what you loved, just to forget it, but it spins back, harder. Just when you decide on something, you realize you have experienced a pitfall camouflaged by your dreams and the endless quest to chase them. Bah, humbug! Then where flew the principles? You behaved vociferously with them, lacking discipline in thought?
People who have loved me for what I am, people who always stood behind me, people who I know will miss me (and me will miss them too), when they encourage me, I just fall short of crying. I also feel like missing them - I have lived with them for long, for the life that is said to be lived by me till today. And some who were into my life for not so long, but left their footprints for me to cherish, with a belief that I will remain happy in ignorance and falsehood in the guise of a satisfied human being. I am sorry, I can’t be like that. I would request you to make me understand how should I? Lighting up a candle and expecting it doesn’t melt surely is a sign of living in falsehood. I don’t have anymore words on this.
May I dare say that I love the darker side of life? Yes, I do. But I feel its truth. Atleast I am sure to myself for accepting it? Or not? At times I am so bogged down and pessimistic that if someone got me the Kohinoor, I would throw it away feeling its thickness encloses a bomb. But then the posterity that follows in thought, the kindred spirits that I feel enchanted with, everything seems so beautiful, but sadly, short lived. I tend to over-analyze things, and often end up with word-beatings from friends and family, but I feel happy about the way I think and take decisions. Over the past few months, I have felt so confident professionally, taking extreme and bold decisions. At the same time, I have felt so weak emotionally. It seemed that I had a general stock of confidence that could be castled into confidence in profession and the confidence in thoughts & emotions. I overused it on the former one, and now facing lurking dangers because of the latter.
I love saying this “ I am feeling so numb”. I wrote it earlier and I write it again – “I love life for the numbness that it gave, taking the hits feeling that I am brave”. There are a plenty of things that pester me day and night. Where am I heading, what is going to happen in future, what about making it big, how big? What about losing someone in the time, no looking back, can I live without that someone, do I really need to think on it, or is it really too early, or, or, or? Seems I have been a false believer in the almighty, but nevertheless, in the end, I understand in sound state of mind that it’s all up to Thee. No matter how smart I try to be, the grey cells in quantity I invest, things that will finally happen, it’s all going to be in His will. It has to happen; I have to be a part of it, grown up me if I can enjoy it or childish me if I crib over it.
I feel so good after writing. I feel it’s the best way to vent ones feelings without letting them explode. But I do not expect it to be interpreted in my favor, always. It’s just a piece writing, a wanderer’s thoughts, but its neither too unrevealing. And I live in the hope, that I will understand myself one day, before anyone else does so.